Puppet Problems
by Red Witch
Summary: As if Cheryl didn't have enough personalities as it is…


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters went to a puppet show. I just had this crazy thought from my tiny deranged mind.**

 **Puppet Problems **

"Dear God why do I even bother to come into work?" Mallory groaned as she sat at her desk looking at some bills. Bottles and glasses also littering her desk. "There's barely any money in this agency for band-aids. Let alone Sterling's hospital bill."

"Which is growing to become an even bigger expense than his college days. **That** was money well spent! Ended up having to forge his diploma anyway. It would have been cheaper to do that from the beginning!"

"Speaking of things that aren't cheap," Mallory looked at one bill. "Almost ten thousand dollars a week for IV usage alone? What are they putting in there? Champagne?"

"Mallory…" Lana walked in.

"Lana you would not **believe** the cost of Sterling's hospital expenses!" Mallory was exasperated. "Who would have thought health care could be so expensive?"

"Pretty much everyone in the country," Lana remarked.

"Look at this hospital bill for just a week's rental of his room!" Mallory showed Lana. "I could spend a month at the Ritz for this much money!"

"Which one?" Lana asked. "The one in New York? Boston? Paris? Dallas? Washington DC? London? LA?"

"Pick one!" Mallory interrupted. "I could have gotten an all expense vacation to someplace fun for what I'm spending on Sterling. And of course, he's **milking it**! Typical!"

"Yeah speaking of self-indulgent lunatics…" Lana began.

"I can't believe I am saying this," Mallory grumbled. "But I am starting to agree with those Socialist Canadians. Say what you want about those hosers, but they won't hose you on health care. Maple syrup, beaver pelts and timber yes…Maybe **that's** how they afford it?"

"Mallory, you might want to leave today," Lana sighed. "Let us deal with the office."

"Why?" Mallory asked.

"Well the good news is we kind of have a client," Cyril said. "Who is hiring us to do…some work."

"Why would I want to leave when we actually **have** a client?" Mallory snapped. "For one thing to make sure you idiots don't screw it up."

"Mallory…"

"You think I don't know what you people do the **minute** my back is turned?" Mallory went on. "You drink, smoke, gamble and hump each other into oblivion! I've seen alley cats in heat with more self-control! I am not leaving!"

"Mallory, you do know how the whole good news/bad news thing works?" Lana sighed. "It's who our client is that you should worry about. At least who she is **today."**

"Why do you mean by who she is _today?_ " Mallory asked. Then it hit her. "Oh, dear God no."

"I'm afraid so," Lana sighed.

"No!" Mallory gasped.

"Yes," Lana sighed.

"No!" Mallory said.

"Yes!" Cheryl sauntered in. However, she wasn't alone. She had cute little cat puppet on her hand. "Everyone meet Cher Cat! Say hello Cher Cat!"

"Hello Bitches!" Cher Cat chirped. Cheryl moved her mouth and made her voice higher.

Mallory looked at Lana. "I didn't want to know **this!"**

"I tried to tell you!" Lana snapped.

"Well you could have tried a little **harder!** " Mallory snapped. "What the hell, Lana?"

"Yeah what the hell, Lana?" Cher Cat said cheerfully.

"Someone saw some online videos of Sherri Lewis and Lambchop," Lana sighed. "While eating a lot of groovy bears and glue. And a lot of various alcoholic drinks."

"I'm gonna be bigger than Jose Jalapeno on a Stick!" Cher Cat said.

"I'd like to beat you with a stick," Cheryl quipped.

"I should have known," Mallory groaned as she took a drink. "I should have known."

"Yes, you should," Cher Cat said.

"Is this going to be like her country music phase?" Mallory asked.

"God, I hope not," Lana groaned.

"Well Cher Cat today we go to school!" Cheryl said.

"School? I'm a cat not a fish!" Cher Cat said. "I don't need to learn nothing!"

"Learn anything," Cheryl corrected.

"That too!" Cher Cat said.

"I'm learning something," Mallory groaned. "I'm learning why I should never come into this office in the morning. Or at all."

"Education is important," Cheryl said.

"That's just something teachers say so they can get a pension," Cher Cat said.

"I bet you can't name five members of the cat family," Cheryl said.

"I can too!" Cher Cat said. "Mommy Cat, Daddy Cat, two kittens…And Daddy Cat's side piece. Who is pregnant and gonna have more kittens."

"Words," Lana groaned. "I have no words."

"Oh, I have **words,** " Mallory took a drink. "Some of which are not fit to say aloud."

"Tell me Cher Cat," Cheryl went on. "What animal can jump higher than a tree?"

"That's easy," Cher Cat said. " **Any** animal. Trees can't jump."

"This woman is going to be the death of me," Mallory grumbled. "Unless I get her first."

"Okay Cher Cat," Cheryl said. "Name five things that have milk in them."

"That's easy," Cher Cat said. "White Russians, eggnog, two cows and a milk truck."

"She's not wrong," Lana admitted.

"Don't **you** start!" Mallory snapped.

"Say Cher Cat," Cheryl asked. "What do you get when you cross a porcupine with a highway?"

"A good day for the tow truck business," Cher Cat quipped.

"And a bad day for **this business** ," Mallory grumbled.

"Is this really **still** a business at this point?" Lana asked. "I think by now this has become more of a hangout."

"It will be once I get some nooses and build a scaffold," Mallory looked at her.

"What did the cannibal say to his wife?" Cher Cat asked.

"I don't know," Cheryl said. "What did the cannibal say to his wife?"

"Honey! I'm home!" Cher Cat said. "Who's for dinner?"

"I'm leaving," Mallory grabbed her purse and left the office. " **You** handle this!"

After a pause to make sure Mallory was gone Cheryl said. "Told you it would work. You owe me a Coke."

"I was so sure she'd see right through that," Lana blinked.

"Told you she wouldn't," Cheryl said.

Cher Cat said. "That old broad is so deep in the hooch she can't see her nose in front of her wrinkled old face."

"I knew I could do it," Cheryl grinned.

"What do you mean **you?** " Cher Cat asked. "I'm the one that did all the work!"

"The important thing is that Ms. Archer is gone," Cheryl grinned. "So, the rest of us can take off for a long lunch."

"How long?" Lana asked.

"Until dinner," Cher Cat said. Cheryl left the room.

"Sometimes I think that woman is smarter and saner than she pretends to be…" Lana mused to herself.

"What do you mean you're thinking of going **solo**?" Cheryl was heard.

"You heard me," Cher Cat said. "Let's face it, apart from your rack you're pretty much dead weight. Especially from the neck up!"

"Don't you sass me Cher Cat!"

"You're not my supervisor!"

"THAT'S **MY LINE!"** Cheryl shouted. "OKAY THAT'S IT!"

"BRING IT ON!" Cher Cat was heard. The sounds of scuffling was heard.

Cheryl entered Lana's line of sight, struggling with the puppet. "You ungrateful little pussy!" Cheryl shouted. "You were just gathering dust until I stole you!"

"You stole me from a yard sale," Cher Cat said. "I had options you drugged up floozy!"

"The only option **you** had was being thrown on a garbage dump!" Cheryl shouted.

"What do you think is gonna happen to **your** drugged-up corpse?" Cher Cat asked.

"THAT'S IT!" Cheryl shouted as she thrashed around. "YOU'RE A DEAD PUSSY!"

"AKKKK! YOU'RE CHOKING ME!" Cher Cat screamed. "AGGGGH!"

"AAAAAAHHH!" Cheryl screamed as she pulled Cher Cat off her hand and hit it repeatedly against the wall. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

"OW! OW! OW!" Cher Cat shouted.

Cheryl then threw Cher Cat to the ground and stomped on it several times. Then she ran off for a moment. Then came back with some scissors. "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CROSS ME!"

"NO! NO! AAAAHHHH! CALL THE ASPCA! AAAAHH!" Cher Cat screamed as Cheryl chopped her into little pieces.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl cackled madly. Then ran off with the pieces.

FOOOM!

"CHERYL!" Ray was heard. "HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET A LIGHTER?"

"HA HA HA HA!" Cheryl squealed as a smoke alarm went off.

"GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!" Krieger was heard yelling. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET A FIRE EXTINGUISHER!"

"But that thought quickly passes," Lana sighed.


End file.
